Browse our jokes and stories by page number below. New additions are posted at the beginning of our archive.

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Playing by Ear - My dad likes to amuse my two-year old daughter by "magically" pulling quarters out of her ears. On a recent trip to the store, she spotted a gumball machine and immediately began asking for money. I explained to her that the machine needed a quarter and I didn't have one. Wasting no time, she replied, "Well, look in my ears. Papa always finds money back there."

Big Date - A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster, he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."

Only the Best - My daughter goes to extremes in caring for her new sports car. One afternoon, we went to get gas. When the attendant asked what kind, she said, "Unleaded-Super. The best you have. And check the oil, please."
The man found the car needed a quart. He asked, "What kind do you use?"
"I just want the finest," she said.
"Whatever it costs. And look at the radiator too. It might need water." "What does it take," the attendant inquired, "Perrier?"

For Twenty Dollars - "Hey, Mom," asked Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what Dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty salon."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow'."

Bad Hair Day - "What happened to you?" asked the bystander of the man lying on the sidewalk outside the beauty parlor. The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised chin. "Well, the last thing I remember was my wife coming out of the beauty salon. I took one look at her and said, "Well, Honey,...at least you tried.'"

Old Friends - Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older, he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older, my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jamie.
"Yes, but your husband is an antique dealer!"

Not So Dumb Blonde - I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then, one of my co-workers (she's blonde...it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I was doing.
"Shhh," I said, "I'm a light bulb - I'm acting crazy to get a few days off, because there is an out of town wedding I need to go to until Tuesday."
A minute later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.
"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
:You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off, and come back when you are less stressed."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker stood up, started following me and the boss asked where she was going. "I can't work in the dark." she said.

Tired Minister - A tired minister was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away."
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened...not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down, calling loudly to his wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"
The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment. The minister's quick-thinking wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."

What a Night - On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman, who had a little too much to drink, was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.
"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub, of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink tonight."
"I did alright," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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